Billy: I'm sorry. I can't hear you. I've been physically abused in the ear! I see your lips moving, but I can't make out the words. I'm deaf!
Billy: I drew the duck blue because I've never seen a blue duck before, and to be honest with you, I wanted to see a blue duck.
Billy: The part in the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything. He just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think. You got a pet. You got a responsibility. If your dog is lost, you don't look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that f***ing dog!
Billy: Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. Conditioner is better. I leave the hair silky and smooth. Oh really, fool?! Really!
Stop looking at me swan!
Billy: You ain't cool unless you pee your pants. Everybody my age pees their pants. It's the coolest.
Old Farm Lady: If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.
Billy: Oh, that was the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life!
Game Show Host: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Old Man Clements: Who the hell is it? What do you want? Judas Priest, Barbara, it's one of those flaming bags again.
Wife: Don't put it out with your boots, Ted.
Old Man Clements: Don't tell me my business, devil woman. Call the fire department. This one's outta control! *sniffs* It's poop again. I'll get you damn kids for this. You're all gonna die!
Billy Madison: He called the shit "poop".
Maid: If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits.
Lunch Lady: Have some more sloppy joes. I made 'em extra sloppy for yous. I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy.
Billy Madison: Lady, you're scaring us.
Bus Driver: That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ass. I know from experience dude. If you know what I mean...
Billy Madison: No, you don't.
Bus Driver: Well, not me personally but a guy I know. Him and her GOT IT ON! Wooo-eee!
Billy Madison: No, they didn't.
Bus Driver: No, no, no they didn't. But you could imagine what it'd be like if they did, right?
Bus Driver: Everybody on? Good. Great. Grand. Wonderful. NO YELLING ON THE BUS!