June 21, 2010

Is your proverbial vagina inspection sticker out of date?


When I asked Candice to guest post, I knew she'd have something funny and sassy to share. What I didn't know is that I'd literally snort no less than three times while reading it. This post is an absolute masterpiece. When you're done laughing your ass off, make your way over to Candice's blog. You will not be disappointed.







I'm not sure what's going on, but as I get older I'm less gung-ho about visiting various medical professionals for routine checkups and whatnot.

Gone are the days when I would rush out to the dentist every 6 months like clockwork to have my teeth cleaned. I have also apparently gotten over my hypochondriac tendencies that caused me to visit my primary care physician yearly for physicals in my early 20s, because OH MY GOD, I was surely going to die of this, that or the other debilitating disease.

Then of course, there is my own personal favorite routine checkup. The one I like to refer to as "getting checked underneath my hood". That's right. All the ladies know what I'm talkin' about. The dreaded PAP SMEAR.

Let me tell you something. You just haven't LIVED until you go to your OBGYN and place your vagina on display, while you simultaneously have odd and uncomfortable conversations about the weather, shopping, (I have a female OBGYN by the way) or something equally mundane and stupid. This is pretty much how this particular visit goes for ME.

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Now I'm sure some women would go in for their yearly visit without so much as a single solitary consideration for hygiene, but I do NOT happen to fall into that category. When my legs part on that examination table, I want the heavens to part and the birds to sing. My OBGYN needs to be wafted with the aroma of.... hmm. I'm drawing a blank here. What smells REALLY good? All I can think of right now is freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. Frankly, it would be weird if my vagina smelled like freshly baked chocolate chip cookies so how about freshly cut flowers or something nice like that? You know, the kind that don't smell like disease or rotting fish. I'm sorry. I'm having Vietnam type flashbacks to roughly 80% of the pelvic exams that I chaperone in the ER so please excuse me. I do apologize.

Anyway, this requires a thorough cleaning. More thorough than I would normally do when I don't plan on having my vagina 2 inches away from a virtual stranger's face. So after 2 hours in a hot scalding shower, I place the bandages where necessary and make my way to get my yearly inspection of the lady bits.

The first part of the visit includes some 400-pound woman taking my vital signs and inquiring if I have a history of high blood pressure. I typically respond with something like this.

"Well, I don't usually have high blood pressure. There's just something about knowing that... #1. You're about to put my fat ass on a scale and #2. I'm about to have my vagina stared at, poked at and generally felt up. If I were guessing, that probably has quite a bit to do with my increased blood pressure at this time."

Either giggles or glaring generally ensue at this point then I'm walked back to a room cold enough to hang fucking meat. Then I'm asked to strip all of my clothes off and replace them with some lovely paper gown that wouldn't even fit Mary Kate or Ashley. I'm typically told that the doctor will be right in, and I'm pointed in the direction of the magazine rack for my viewing pleasure.

Nine hours later, my OBGYN comes into the room to examine my hypothermic and frostbitten vagina. Small talk is in full force now as I scoot my ass to the very end of the table. The most degrading part of this whole process is when I have to put my feet in those horrible stirrups. I always want to ask her if she could just do me Indian style, but I reluctantly put my SOCKED feet in the stirrups anyway. At this point I secretly wonder if she's thinking to herself that I've got the best smelling vagina that she's ever examined. Then I know without a shadow of a doubt that's EXACTLY what she's thinking, and I begin to relax a bit.

Then we have "This is cold" "You're going to feel some pressure" and "Does this feel uncomfortable at all" convo, and then I'm pretty much done. It's probably good that it doesn't last any longer than that because I'm always afraid my vagina is either going to get sunburned or develop melanoma from the fucking fry lamp that she placed one centimeter away from my "good girl" during the examination. Needless to say, going home with a hypothermic or frostbitten vagina is no longer an issue.

Next, the doc basically says "See you in a year assuming you aren't dying!", and then I get to finally wipe things off and go home where I spend the rest of the day wondering if she left an open bottle of KY stuffed up in my vagina because seriously... What. The. Fuck.

So I guess after all that, it's no wonder that I've been putting this visit off for so long. I refuse to apologize for the fact that I don't have that woman on speed dial.

I would much rather stay current on facials, highlights and mani/pedis. I mean, that's technically upkeep as well, right?

Alright fine, damnit! I'll make the freaking call! One physical. One teeth cleaning. And one check up under the hood, coming right up!

Shoot me.

23 comments:

PeaceLoveApplesauce said...

All I have to say is L.M.F.A.O.

The Gosfam said...

I relate completely to this post. Is it bad that I haven't been for a gynecological exam in almost 3 years? Geesh this REALLY made me think about how long it has been.

MiMi said...

Dude. I already love Candice...but holy hell, this one is hilarious!!!

MommyLovesStilettos said...

I already ADORE her blog. But holy SHIT this tops it all. This is one of the most hysterical posts I've ever read. I love it!! And I can SO relate because a lot of the same things go through my mind during a pap as well!

Kristy said...

I find that as I get older I have less anxiety around it all at least - it's like - whatever just go and be done with it!

simplysandi said...

I can so totally relate. I used to go every year, but it's been about 3. I absolutely dread it!

Florida Girl Meets the Midwest said...

LOL! I just picked myself up off of the floor. Your friend is a genius.

Shelley said...

Love this post! It's so funny!

gringationcancun said...

Oh my goodness. Yes, yes, yes that's exactly how it goes!

I actually prefer male OBGYNs because I feel like the women ones judge my vagina. Is that wrong?

I used to always go in beautifully trimmed... but after a certain amount of visits you realize the doctor probably doesn't really care.

SurferWife said...

Great. Now I feel awkwardly guilty about being past due for my visit.

Thanks for the reminder that I don't need to buy KY after I go.

PorkStar said...

LMFAO i totally loved this post. I love her blog.

Good job!

Kris said...

I honestly dread the breast exam portion of the appt more than the pap. At least with the pap, it's a little more clinical because they use tools and swabs....the breast exam is just them fondling your nerps.

Stacey said...

That was great! lmao!!! It's the smell of baby lotion for this girl!

Tara said...

bahahaha.. so effing funny!

Sharlene T. said...

Too, too, funny, and right on point...must be squeaky clean and screw the smell helping them know the problem...I don't smell...as a matter of fact, I have no bodily functions...I am all mental...there, I've said it...funny, funny, funny...

Marcie said...

This is so funny for so many reasons! Thanks for the laugh!


xo
Marcie

mac said...

I was reminded of my Flight Physical when I read the "open bottle of KY" line....too funny !

I suppose it could be taken as a compliment. As in, things must be snug down there if they needed that much lube ??

The Gosfam said...

Love the guest post and wanted to let you know you have an award on my blog: http://enjoylifeenjoynow.com/2010/06/prolific-blogger-award.html

Karen said...

Thanks for reminding me it's about that time of year again!

I'm with Kris. The worst part for me isn't the rootin around in my hoo-haa. It's the boob check. At least when the doc is checking out my nether regions, there's no eye contact.

Ed said...

You had me at Vagina.

Seriously, I've worked in these places (Doctors offices, not vagina)(although I've worked in those too)and the stuff does discuss your bits after you leave.

Christy said...

This is hilarious. Have you ever seen The Vagina Monologues? If not, you need to google My Angry Vagina. I promise you won't be disappointed.

Nice blog =)

MommaKiss said...

oh my garage, seriously. The Yuk Dr. visits always bring out the big guns. Shaving, waxing, dyed pubes at times. Yep. That's me ;)

MommaKiss said...

But Wait. Is there any cure for the um, aging? of the vag? I swear it's not nearly as bright pink as it used to be. Damn kids wrecked me.
Have I said too much?