January 21, 2011

I'm a puker. How about you?

Everyone loves a good drunken puke story. I've got several. Why not share them with you... cause it's Friday, you ain't got no job and you ain't got shit to do.

1. I've thrown up twice in my hands. The first time was in a downtown Memphis club called Have A Nice Day Cafe. I downed a Happy Bowl with one of my girlfriends. What's a Happy Bowl? It's a large bucket filled with a liquored fruity concoction and several straws. It's probably meant to be shared by three our four people. I drank it really fast. I'm guessing I didn't have anything for dinner. I made this mistake a lot. The sickness hit me pretty fast. I took off running for the bathroom, but didn't quite make it. I started to puke in my hands. I caught about 75% of it. The rest ended up on my jeans. My BFF Kelly helped me clean up. A girl in the bathroom was extremely understanding. "Girl, I have so been there." I was escorted home shortly after.

2. The second time I threw up in my hands was at a bar in Nashville. I was in town for a tanning conference. If you're new to my blog, I was a tanning salon manager for five years. Anyway, shots were being ordered and paid for by people I didn't know. A nice girl from Memphis doesn't turn down free tequila shots. I'd already had a few Smirnoff Ice. What would two or three shots of tequila hurt? At this point, even though I was a seasoned drinker, I knew I was going to throw up and soon. I ran to the bathroom, puked into my hands as I passed the bar and finished up in the bathroom. I didn't get any vomit on my clothes or shoes. I didn't even get any in my hair. I rinsed my mouth out, threw a stick of gum in my mouth and went back to dance the night away. Now that is what I call a WIN!

3. I've got another tequila story for you. My BFF and I shared a fifth of tequila one night. I made it until the end of the night before I started to feel ill. This was one of those nights where I wanted to throw up more than anything because I knew I'd feel better. I might have said this out loud when a guy started talking to me about bean burritos from Taco Bell. He knew the thought of eating one would make me throw up. He was right. Might I mention that he lived across the street from an elementary school... I just happened to be lying on the cold concrete of the school parking lot when this occurred. I threw up in a metal grate. Classy!

4. The Hero and I had just started dating. He and I went to one of my friend's houses. There were eight to ten people there. We were drinking before heading to the club. I drank one too many Screwdrivers and ended up dancing on the island in the kitchen. Several of us stood up on the island to shake our booties a time or two. I ended up sitting down and straddle dancing on the thing. I shook my head around a little too hard one time and cracked my nose and face on the surface. I just knew I had broken my nose and was waiting for the gush of blood, but it never came. So, you guessed it, I continued to drink. When we finally loaded up in the car to go to the club, it was only then that I started to get nauseous. We made it a block or two when I rolled down the window and puked. We stopped at a car wash so they could wash the white Nissan Pathfinder we were in and took me back to the house to rest. I slept it off and went home. I was so disappointed that I didn't make it to the club.

5. Last, but not least, there's the night I drank PGA Punch. If you don't know what this is, you're missing out. It's Pure Grain Alcohol mixed with Kool-Aid. I had two large cups of this yummy punch. I had never had it before. I was enjoying the hell out of it because it tasted just like Kool-Aid. You couldn't taste the alcohol at all. Why didn't I think this was a bad thing? Fast forward thirty or forty-five minutes, I'm sitting at a table with friends. The next thing I know my BFF is shaking me awake because I passed out mid-conversation. What do you think happened next? I ran for the bathroom and puked red for what seemed like an hour. Thankfully, the red wasn't blood. It was just that damned cherry Kool-Aid I was telling you about. I can tell you this. I never ever drank PGA Punch again.

Now, I only drink once or twice a year minus the occasional cocktail. I'm not sure why I ever did that to myself. It's not like I knew I'd be blogging about it years later.

So, do you have any drunken puke stories to share?


Rachel said...

One time.. I threw up in my hands as some guy was hitting on me.. I was at a sorority rush party. I was leaned in with my ear to mouth because it was really loud and I started to throw up on his should and tried to catch it in my mouth. Oy. I'm still embarrassed 8 years later.

Jenn said...

I'm thankful that I only threw up once from drinking...and that was the old fashioned way - in the toilet. Somehow I was always able to guage how much I could have and NOT throw up...I'm very vomit-phobic.

Unknown said...

OMG, quite a post!!!!

I have quite a few stories, which even years later won't leave my memmory!! And in none of them did I deal with the vomiting as smoothly as you, I might add! You are good!!

I don't think my stories are really for sharing (yet)....but I did once vomit in my hands while I was pregnant, travelling to work on the subway during the rushhour.

I was standing heavily pregnant on a packed subway train, hanging onto one of those straps for dear life, wedged up against a crowd of people as usual. I managed to very skillfully vomit in my cupped hands - quite discreetly too I might add - and hold the vomit very carefully until I fought my way through the crowd and got off at the next station.

And still no one offered the vomiting pregnant lady a seat LOL!!

Happy Week-end!!

Cindy said...

Hilarious post!! I've thrown up after drinking one of those buckets of everything at that bar on Beale Street in Memphis... What was that bar called? It has the courtyard and the dueling pianos? We used to go there all the time when I was at Ole Miss.

Unknown said...

Great stories!!! I have never been a puker although I might have felt better many many nights if I had only. One night when I was 19, I went to a party with a friend, she fixed me two HUGE screwdrivers and I swear they were 3/4 vodka, the next day I woke up throwing up and my mother was like, I guess you had a good time last night, she was not happy but got pretty concerned when I was still throwing up later that afternoon. And another time around the same time, Me and this same friend were drinking wine coolers and I had eaten Krystal earlier in the night and for some reason those darned pickles slices went back together because the whole slices ended up on my alarm clock. I know that was gross, but i't's pretty funny thinking back on it.

Anonymous said...

This is SO why I don't drink...I can't handle nausea or vom.

My first/only puking experience took place on my first business trip...super professional, I know. I was only 18 though. Oh, yeah...underage drinking is bad.

Anyways, it was due to a few too many cranraspberry vodkas and it happened in front of a colleague. I was mortified. Still am. Just a whiff of vodka brings that memory back in a nanosecond. Actually, I'm feeling a bit nauseous just thinking about it now!

Ed said...

I've got too many to list here.

But I've had a few in that locale, when I was in the Navy and stationed at Millington.

Unknown said...

LOVE this post!!!

From an early age (16ish), I knew I could drink a LOT of hard liquor and handle it.... That all changed when I was 19.. My boyfriend, myself, and 2 guy friends finished an entire big bottle of Jager within an hour, while sitting down. I felt completely fine, til I stood up. I have never puked, fell, and felt like an idiot so much ever in my entire life. I ended up passed out in the grass of this party, because we hadn't even gotten our tent set up. I stopped drinking for about 3 years, and still rarely drink. Oh and this all happened before it was even dark out. Hahaha.


CB said...

Seriously... 'Friday' rocks my tits woman! Smokey was amazing!!!!

Sarahviz said...

We had a Have a Nice Day Cafe too in Charlotte! Those punch bowls were killer!

I have way too many drunken puke stories to list. I am such a puker.

Impulsive Addict said...

You CRACK me up! These stories are greatness.

Throwing up in your hands takes talent. I've never been able to contain my puke to just my hands.

I could never be bulimic. I HATE throwing up.

Ian said...

Wowser. I do actually. And I posted about it on the other place.

BTW its grain alcohol mixed with fruity shit in those happy bowls. We have a HANDC near us and my puking story involved one of those

Nikosmommy said...

I have SO been there. I have a lot of drunken debauchery stories...they don't all involve puking but they do include some STUPID things I said and or DID!
WHat's worse, my friends are awesome at never letting me live these episodes down!

Kelly @ turned UP to ELEVEN! said...

I love this post... LOVE IT! It makes me feel better about all my bad years of puking... let's see where to start.

I puked in a strangers car once. When I lived in Ft. Lauderdale my two girls and I decided to have a ladies night @ The Ale House. Usually it's 5 for $5 for beers on Thursdays but I don't know what day it was. We proceeded to have Dr. Pepper Mug shots which is a mug of beer with a shot dropped in it. Drop and Chug... Drop and Chug... every chug was followed by us screaming "WOOOO!" in true girl fashion. We had everyone laughing and must have thought we were SO funny. We called a cab... and it never showed. So instead we got a ride from a guy my girl Crys knew. Apparently he was my current boyfriend's, ex girlfriend's new boyfriend [got that?] Anyway... half way home, less than 2 houses from my girl's home... I said I had to get sick.. begged him to pull over... he did but it was too late I puked in my mouth, through my hands and got out of the car as fast as I could to puck on her neighbors front yard - it's hard to stumble out of the back of a 2 door Ford Focus let me tell you!

2nd Puke: During a night of Power Hour at a friends home 2 of the guys and I were shooting our beer. 1 shot of beer, every minute for an hour straight.. we finished a 30 pack + some more between the three of us... that night I woke up.. and ran for the toilet at their house.. I made it there to the toilet but puked all over it instead of in it... OOPS!

Last and worst story IMO... one Halloween the ex and I were fighting at a bar - I proceeded to get wasted just to enjoy myself [smart move right?] He left to go make a phone call to bitch about me to his friends back home... I then proceeded to buy a round of drinks for the entire crew we were with [my best friend's boyfriend's friends]... the ex had to drive us home because I could barely walk... once he got me upstairs he left me on the floor, walked the dog and came back... he said something to me.. I answered and he said I was silent but when he turned back around he saw me roll away from a pile of chicken wing vomit mixed with captain morgan on the carpet... the white carpet... needless to say I rolled the other way, passed out and made him clean it up. That's what he gets for making me mad in public.. right?

Ahhh good times... at least they were before the vomit.

Macey said...

When I was 16 my bff and I talked her mom into buying us beer. I didn't like it at all but I didn't want to miss out so I downed a can as fast as I could. Right after I ate a hotdog. Which I also don't like.
Anyway. All of the air and gulps and shit added up and as soon as I took the last swallow it came right back up.
I'm pretty sure I looked like a fountain. It was sick. Beer and chewed up hotdog.

jennykate77 said...

My story is that I've NEVER thrown up from being drunk...not saying I've never been drunk. I'm just not a puker. I will hold it down. I'm sure I would probably feel better to get rid of it, but I don't. It's like a paranoia. I absolutely HATE throwing up. Hate it.

One time, the fact that I didn't throw up, kept me from getting busted. My two best friends were puking all over the place and I was there cleaning them up. It made me look like the good girl who didn't drink any Hot Damn...which was SO not the truth. I can't even stand the smell of artificial cinnamon to this day.

TLF said...

I cleaned up puke & poo ALL NIGHT LONG last night.. does that count as a 'story' for me??!

Hutch said...

I got very good at the puke and rally in college. It's scary really. The last time I threw up was the day after New Years last year. I was sick the ENTIRE day and took almost a full year off from vodka (my bff for about 10 years) because of it.

I still have a spot on my drivers side passenger door from when I was playing DD one night at UMass and another girl threw up out the window but didn't tell me she actually hit the door. It froze overnight and well, puke is very acidic. Bitch didn't offer to help pay for it or anything. We didn't hang out too much after that.

Ashley said...

I don't puke from drinking-- which is really a miracle in and of itself.

HOWEVER, if I take a vitamin at the wrong moment I puke, if I eat something weird I puke, if I am too hungry I puke. It's pathetic really.

Unknown said...

Awesome. That is all I can say. Just awesome!! xoxo

Pam said...

HOLY shit! I just fell in love with your blog.

Shelley said...

Here's a few for you!

One time with an ex we were staying the night at a hotel for some work convention of his. We hadn't "been" together yet and I had a formal dress and did my hair all pretty for the dinner that night to impress him. Later on when the night ended up with me throwing up green apple alcohol for several hours, that was not how I was hoping the night would go.

Another story is short and to the point. I learned to never go to the Old Spaghetti Factory, eat in a hurry (therefore not chewing enough), and then drink vodka. I'm talking whole freakin noodles. This was at a public playground...

There's a time when my friend got so drunk I had to shove my fingers down her throat to make her throw up. I also slapped her a lot that night. And she ended up throwing her pants away somewhere on the side of a road cuz she threw up on them so luckily there were sweats in the car. Oh yeah and somehow she also cut her toe open and we had to clean it out as best we could in the shower when we got home. And then again the next day. Oh man, poor girl.

I could definitely write a post about this but I don't want certain people to know these things haha.

Natalie said...

I'm pretty sure we met at some point during our bar hopping/clubbing days. We were at too many of the same places NOT to have interacted at some point.

I got sick at Platinum one night. I actually took one of their glasses & placed it on the floor between my feet. I proceeded to vomit into the cup & actually thought I was doing a good thing b/c I wasn't just puking on the floor.

Anonymous said...

I have been there too many times. Lot of drinking while camping and puking in the woods.

lil desiqua said...

What you call "PGA Punch" we called "Jungle Juice." It was very popular in college. I went to college in PA, so we actually had to cross the border into PA just to get it. I remember playing beer pong with it- I was a beast back then haha!

Also,I would like to pass on the 'Versatile Blogger' award to you. You have an awesome blog and I feel you are very worthy of this award. Details of what to do are on my blog....Congrats!
Dani aka LilDesiqua

Mrs. Match said...

I threw up a little just reading this. ;-) Just kidding!

Oh man, ok the first real drunken puke story I remember was so embarrassing. I was a sophomore in high school and very new to drinking. I decided to be "cool" in front of a boy I liked and drunk as hell I tried a cigarette, and promptly threw up on his shoes. He was so impressed.

KLZ said...

If it doesn't taste like alcohol it is ultimately liquid death. True story.

Unknown said...

A bonding moment between myself and my mother-in-law occurred about 17 years ago. It involved tequila, gin & juice, and her hold up my hair while I worshiped the porcelain god. True story.

By the way, I'm passing on blog awards on the blog today and you get one! Drop by and snag it!

Christina said...

This was hilarious! I haven’t puked in years and years, but the last time I did was a doozy. I love that The Hero continued to date you after that night! Good man.

Lacie @ Creative Attempts said...

Ah to be young again lol. I puked last night but that was flu related so not nearly as fun of a story. I think the last great ending in puke night out for me was a few years ago after a wild night at Tao night club in Vegas that ended with several times of pulling the car over to get home ( and no I wasn't driving thank goodness)