February 24, 2014

Things I've Learned from
Investigation Discovery, Part I

I am more than a little obsessed with Investigation Discovery. If you aren't familiar with Investigation Discovery, it's a television channel dedicated entirely to crime. It features true crime dramas, cold cases, forensics, autopsies, serial killers, and murderous women just to name a few. These shows air continuously 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

I watch a lot of ID during the summer when most of my shows are on hiatus. I also get sucked in when they're having one of their crazy weekend marathons. The bestie is hooked on the murder-death-kill channel too. We often text each other about not being able to sleep because we've watched entirely too much ID. You know it's bad when you can't sleep until you've checked your closets and under the bed because A KILLER MIGHT BE LURKING THERE. I seriously do this every time I'm home alone. What will happen if I ever do find a killer hiding in my closet? I will die right there on the spot.

I have picked up a wealth of knowledge from watching this channel. So, I thought I would share some of it with you. There's actually so much information that I've decided to split this into two parts.

Part 1: How To Avoid Getting Attacked and/or Murdered

1. Don't listen to headphones while running. How are you going to notice an attacker coming up behind you if all you can hear is Beyoncé singing about a surf board? #ThatsMyJam

2. Leave a few lights on when you're not at home. But, you should never leave the same ones on all the time. Change is good. Patterns are bad.

3. If you have a room in your house that you never go into, trick predators into thinking you actually go in there. {example: spare bedroom} I once saw a show where a guy watched women for months before he killed them. If they had a room they never went into, he would break in through that room's window and hide there until the woman was asleep or otherwise occupied. Come home and turn lights on and off in various rooms. This will make the murderous dude watching you from across the street think he could never break into your house unnoticed. #YouGotTheWrongGirlPsycho

4. Don't develop a pattern that is easy for a predator to figure out. She always comes home at 5:30 and always goes straight to her bedroom to change clothes. She always feeds her cat at 5:45 and starts making dinner immediately after. She only has people over on Fridays. She always turns out the lights for bed at 10:30 after watching tv. Seriously, don't do that!

5. Fight like a girl. Scream, slap, kick, and bite your attacker. Knee 'em in the nads. I also heard it's helpful if you can vomit, piss or shit yourself while being attacked. #TotallyNotKidding

6. Always check the backseat for crazies before getting into your car.

7. Don't try to reason with your psycho ex. Run, bitch. Run!

Bonus Tip: Always dress like you are going to get murdered in those clothes. You never know when you may end up in an ambulance, on an autopsy table or have your death re-enacted on television. Trust me, you do not want to be that girl. #MatchingUndiesAlways

Be sure to check back Wednesday for the dramatic conclusion.


Peace Love Applesauce- Terri said...

Oh my gah.. BHAHAHAHA!
#MatchingUndies #Always

Carly said...

hahaha just this weekend I was telling my husband, sometimes I like wearing tennis shoes because I can have a quick getaway if someone is after me! LOL. I've never seen this Investigation Discovery but I've seen enough dateline and other shows to keep me on my toes!

Allena said...

I had to stop watching ID because it was messing with my head. Obsessed with true crime. One of my fave books of all time is 'Helter Skelter' - the one all about Charles Manson.

Stephanie said...

#8, get yourself a killer dog like my Hawkeye. Alright fine she's more of a licker than a killer but she'd at least alert me that something is off!

Christina said...

This is a great post! I love all the gifs!

I always, always check the backseat, especially when I park downtown Seattle or in a parking garage. I remember the "High Beams" story from Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark all too well!!!

Whitney Alison said...

The last one totally. I have this irrational fear that the days I wear the bad panties are the days I will total my car.

Karen M. Peterson said...

The thing is, these are all pretty common sense, and yet so many people don't seem to get them.

Tammy Jo said...

Ugh I LOVE those shows, they totally suck me in!

Delightfully Awkward Brittany said...

These are great tips. My husband & I are always talking about stuff like this, and people act like we paranoid. But seriously, these things happen ALL THE TIME.

Delightfully Awkward Brittany said...

We are* Possibly paranoid, but I do know basic grammar. Whoops :)

Kelly @ turned UP to ELEVEN! said...

Ugh I love the Friends gif.

I've always made a joke that if I felt i was being followed in a parking lot, I would start to itch my crotch... a little at first then violently... then I'd reach in my pants, pull something out (pretending), look shocked toss it on the ground and start stomping on it.... I will also remember to vomit too...

I think all of these are truthful!!!

Lori Vann said...

I've also heard the comment about peeing on yourself. I've had 3 kids, that should be easy should the time ever come where I need to do that (and boy I hope not!!)